Adventures in telling people that you're adopting a baby

When we first decided to adopt, the first person we contacted was a relative of mine, my kickass cousin who just adopted internationally as a single parent. We wanted to sit down with her and find out about her experience so we'd have a better handle on what we were getting in to.

One of the things that she first touched on was how to tell people around you about your decision. 'Be prepared', she said, 'and be careful how you say it because you might get some really odd reactions'. She told us of how some people had responded when she first started telling people - some were far more supportive than others, and some were even a little insulting about it.

I'm going to give her a virtual high five right now for giving us the heads up, because our own experience telling people has been pretty interesting.

First I came out to my internet community. WTF, you say? You told the interwebz before you told your friends and family??? Well, you, yes I did. I told the people who'd been with me and supporting my husband and I through all the months of struggling and discussion leading up to this very big decision. I told the people who listen to all kinds of crap from my online persona. About a dozen or so of them know me in real life. A few dozen more know my real name behind my screen name, and the rest know me only as I present myself in an anonymous forum. They don't all know me, but they all know my story.

Besides, we had to tell someone.

Anyhoo, my virtual friends thought it was fantastic, so yay! Onwards. Next up were a couple very good friends who we planned to ask to be references. In return for the news we needed to pick a few jaws up off the table and mop up too much spilled beer. Clearly we needed a little practice.

We moved on to telling our parents. We were met varied reactions, ranging from hugs and happy tears to confusion and lots of questions (which graduated to more hugs and much chatter of being grandparents as the idea settled in). By the time we started telling our larger group of friends this past weekend, we were old pros. We sprung the news on people at a Christmas party, individually at first as we could get people alone, and then when the night dwindled down to about a dozen people including the three we hadn't had a chance to tell yet, we just announced to the room.

Highlights:

Friend 1: Okay, I know you have big news so just tell me already! You're pregnant aren't you!

Me: No, but thank you. I won't wear this shirt in the future.

Friend 1: Okay, *phew*! Jeez, freak me out! So what's the news then?? You're already married, so it's not that! What else could it be?

The husband and I: [awkward pause]

Me: Uhhhhh well... it's big news! And we're really excited about it! We're adopting!

Friend 1: WHAAAAATTT??? Oh my God, seriously???

Me: I bet you feel pretty awkward about being freaked out about us being parents now, eh??

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Friend 2: [insert venting about having to go to parties where friends have kids now]

Friend 2: Anyway, enough about all that. When are you guys heading out to travel next?

Us: Oh, soon, we hope.

Friend 2: Nice! Where are you planning to go?

The husband: Well, South Africa, actually!

Friend 2: Oh wow! But J, you've already been - any particular reason you're going again?

Me: Actually, yes. We're going to be adopting a baby from there!

Friend 2: WHAAAAATTT???

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{party begins to wrap up}

Me: Shoot, we still haven't told [insert couple's names here].

The husband: Hm. Well, they're going to leave. We can't let them go being the only ones we haven't told.

Me: Agreed. Hm. Hey, everyone? We have some news, and we couldn't get around to everyone, so we're just going to spit it out. We're adopting a baby! Yay!

Guy in couple: Whoa, that's crazy! [oh yeah, he was drunk - that's important] Is it going to be an Asian baby?

Me: No, but he *will* be black!

Guy in couple: Oh yeah, like Invictus?

Me: Well, yeah, actually, he will be from South Africa!

Guy in couple: Oh wow, that's crazy!

{important note: he sent an email the next morning wishing he'd given a better reaction because he was so drunk/surprised at the time}

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Lessons to be learned:

1: Have a drink in your hands when you announce. This is good for a number of reasons:

a) people probably won't assume you're pregnant and make you feel like you look pregnant

b) you can toast the news with this drink!

c) alcohol is delicious

*important addendum - the drinks shouldn't be *too* full at this point in time. Have a couple swigs first.

2: Pick your moment. The last few drunken moments of a party aren't ideal. Neither is the moment immediately following kid vents or sighs of relief that you're not going to be parents through biological means.

3: Tell people in the way that you want them to react. If you want them to be excited, make sure they understand that *you're* excited. If you want them to think it's a sad thing, then you should be crying in your drink. If you want them to be confused, you should tell a long rambling story about your Aunt Mabel and then quickly change the subject with, 'Oh, hey, we're adopting! Also, how do you feel about parsnips? Aren't they weird?'

Because that would be confusing.