The thing about grief.

It's been about a week and a half since I last posted, and a lot has happened in my life since then - all family-building related.

I'm not even sure I feel like putting it all down in words. I think that I don't, but I do feel like I need to mark it as a difficult time, if nothing else.

Many, many, MANY more roadblocks have been thrown down in front of us in the past 10 days. It's shocking to me how sometimes things can go from bad to worse and then to worse still, but here it is.

The kicker is that the dumbest, stupidest things ever can really just set you off down the road to tears with no notice. You can be happily going about your business when all of a sudden, completely out of nowhere, something otherwise seeming innocuous happens and you're reminded again of all you've lost.

I don't envy people who are in regular direct contact with people who are grieving. I can't imagine it's very fun, never knowing when something can suddenly make someone break down.

And I'm so tired of being so sad. I'm tired of being that person who can cry over nothing. I'm tired of being that person who can just suddenly bring everyone down. I'm tired of not being strong anymore. I'm tired of not knowing how to fix it, how to just be happy despite the shitty hand I've been dealt.

I'm tired of grieving. I wish I could stop.